In Which History Gets Dusted Off

Every once in a while, usually once or twice a year, the Genealogy Bug strikes me. Part and Parcel with my myriad of psychological issues is that I will obsess over something for a few hours, days, sometimes up to a couple weeks, before moving onto the next obsession. It's fun, you should be jealous. If I have to have OCD, I'm glad to have it paired up with ADD so I can obsess about a new thing each day...or week, as it were.

Anyhoobastank...so in retrospect, I feel like I have discussed this before, I'm not sure when. A quick search of my blog tells me it was the entry Without Shoes and Without Regard, in which I discussed grieving and the loss of my Grandma. You can read that entry here. That's right, I get real time up in this.

I've learned a lot from my family's history, if even some of that was contrived by my own at times hyperbolic fashion. (I may or may not have just clarified for myself today what the word hyperbole means and wanted to use it in a sentence)

Starting with my Great-Great Grandmother, the Matriarch of the Family, as it were. The stories throughout the family that I've heard, I mean, I can't decide which one I like better between my Great-Great Grandparents, who were the originators of my family in America, more specifically, Upper Michigan at first (before settling in Milwaukee, my hometown). Here is what is known as fact, with only little assumptions made (the hyperbole comes in later): Frank was in the Austrian Army in say the 1880s-1890s. The story goes, you had to have your draft card renewed, or certified, or updated every year. He lived in a small town in far southern Austria...basically a Sound of Music hike across the Alps from Slovenia...but at that time was probably part of the Tyrannosaurus Austria-Hungary Empire Rex...but I digress...and the bigger city of the area was likely Klagenfurt, or Villach, one of the two. Anyhoobastank, Frank's employer said that he would take his draft card to get certified and then bring it back to him. En route either there or back, Frank's employer lost his draft card. If you were caught in Austria at that time without your draft card, so I understand it, you were thrown back into the Austrian Army. Which apparently was the last thing Frank wanted, because he hopped a boat for America. I do not know where he landed, or even what he did from the time he made landfall, if you will, in 1901 to when he married Pauline (more on her in a moment), in 1903 in Iron Mountain, Michigan.

Pauline, on the other hand, was presumably 17 when she "made landfall" in New York City in 1900. According to my grandfather, there was a rumor (or otherwise unconfirmed story that perhaps itself might have been hyperbolic) that Pauline's father....well, wait. Let me back up a second and say what I know. Pauline's father was a traveling salesman, and he had another daughter two years Pauline's senior, who was already in America. Whether or not they knew where, I do not know. I assume based on what I'm about to say, that they did know that Anna was in Iron Mountain, Michigan. Here's the possible hyperbole: while it is true that John, the father, was a traveling salesman, what I am assuming here is his wife, Pauline's mother, died in childbirth. What I know is that she died and John was to raise Pauline as a single father in 1880s Austria-Hungary, as a traveling salesman. The rumor was he was going to drown her in the river. Nobody knows if that is true, but regardless, at the tender age of 17 she boarded a boat in Le Havre, France, headed for New York City, where she arrived on the scene in March of 1900. Census records taken in June of 1900 do not place her anywhere, and I do not know of her whereabouts at that time but picture if you will: you are 17, in a strange land, not knowing the language but knowing that somewhere in this expansive country (wherever Iron Mountain, Michigan is), waits your sister. The only one who knows you. Your mission is to find your sister, and given the sad shape of roads in the early 1900s, I can definitely see how it would take multiple months to traverse the Eastern half of this country to find your sister, deep in the coal or iron ore mines of the Northwoods of Michigan.

I think you can see where I embellish the story just a tad...but still totally plausible.

Fast forward 40 years. My grandparents are born, all growing up in the time of the Great Depression. One grandparent is living in a multi-family home, where many of the apartments are inhabited by members of her family, a large...and I mean Polish Catholic Large...family on the East Side of Milwaukee. One grandparent was born into a family who, at the time of the 1940 Census, was at least 1 year out of a job and was working for the WPA. There's where I'm concentrating now. My Great Grandma had to make do with a little to serve her family...and she taught my Grandma a lot, so I've come to understand, when she married my Grandpa. I even remember toys she'd make for me, 40 years after the Depression, made out of old wooden thread spools strung together, and rattles out of two detergent caps twisted together. She was a very resourceful lady.

There is a theory that states that some memories can be transmitted through DNA. I would subscribe to this theory, as especially from the period of time of 2013 to early 2015, I had to do just that...or at least a modern version of just that. One pot meals were basically a staple. Buttered noodles were a commonplace dinner. But we never went hungry, and we were never without the necessities. We just made do with what we had.

On the other side of the spectrum, I had a grandparent who lived with her parents and brother, who lived with the grandparents on her mom's side - something that hits home.

As I've learned in school doing some economics projects, is that the economy is cyclical. Maybe that gives credence to the "history repeats itself" mantra. It may not have obviously hit in my parents' generation, and maybe not in my generation, but for my kids' generation we have the Great Recession of 2008, and while it was in no way as bad as the Great Depression was, it still was a big economic downturn. But we survived. Just like our grandparents.

If I've learned anything from this economic downturn it is that frugality can save your family from the brink. You may have to make some unconventional decisions, decisions that other people will look at you like you're mad, but in the end - and this is the important part - with faith in God, you can trust that He will surely guide the way.

That's not to say I had perfect faith throughout this trial, or anything that would even resemble something saint-worthy. There were plenty of times that I wanted to (and sort of did) throw my hands up in the air (and not wave them around like I just didn't care) and ask the Teacher why this wasn't on the test, why such a lofty exam, like this seemed like final exams 2 weeks into the term. I knew (and still know) that He doesn't give us more than we can handle, but it truly seemed to be too much, and that's all I will say about that. Yet even through all that, the Teacher showed me just how much He is in control, and he took me on an amazing journey of faith in the process, something I will talk about in a future post.

The Teacher is always silent during a test...

However I feel like this may have been an open-book test, in that I had and still have, history to draw off of. The lessons of my forefathers, be it learned or transmitted somehow, find themselves in the passenger seat...wait okay that is a bad reference, because I was going to say waiting for my perusal, but it is not safe to read and drive. But I think you get the point.

Dawn

"I am making everything new!"

Admittedly that is in regards to something completely different...I am not talking about the New Heaven and New Earth in Revelation. But I thought that verse was pertinent, especially now. God is making everything new. Recently He has finally blessed us with a place to call our own, even if it is rented. As He always does, He has made everything perfect and is working things out for the good of those who love Him. I feel on fire, in more ways than one, and I haven't felt this way in a long time. Don't get me wrong, my life is still far from perfect, and even now our new house looks like a war zone. It will all fall into place.

In regards to my Journey of Faith, well, as they say in the scientific world, "further research is necessary." Suffice it to say that there's just so much I don't know and haven't learned that I cannot just jump ship.

The volatility of life has not changed either, but my perspective on it is evolving. I feel like I'm beginning to awaken from the sleep of depression, however at this point I'm still groggy and only on my first cup of coffee. I do not function until I've had at least one and a half cups of coffee. Well okay, I function, but barely...

Confessions From the Fog

A vice grip can be a handy tool. It can also be a metaphor used to define situations in which life is pressing down on all sides leaving one with little to no room to even exist. St. Paul makes reference to this. Money can be a vice grip when you live paycheck to paycheck and all your money is gone the day you get it and somebody always wants more. Friends and loved ones can pull you in different directions and, if you're a people pleaser like me, you can't satisfy them all and somebody is left feeling disdain.

The situation quickly becomes a mountain it seems impossible to surmount. And there you sit. 

Because of negative cognitive bias, we tend to only focus on the bad things, and it becomes like a dark veil overshadowing all the good things happening. Or a very dense fog that when you try to look through it all you see is a gloomy nothingness so close it's suffocating. 

How does one combat it? I'm currently trying to figure that out. 

When the sun does manage to come out and burn that fog away, the positives that shine through seem to be frail, fleeting moments of joy before night falls and the crippling fog sets back in, leaving one clueless as to when the sun will come out again, and this can be even worse than a vice grip, squeezing ever harder as like an addict fixating on his next high one seeks out the happiness that has just eluded. Motivation to do anything evaporates, as one no longer finds joy in things they once did. 

And the vice grip tightens, and even more pressure is exuded. All internalized, all encompassing stress constricts one's ability to think or act or do. One goes through the motions day in and day out, and even that is trying, like trying to get through one's day with a migraine. Life becomes a migraine, and all one wants to do is sleep. 

And then sleep comes, and you wake up in that same fog, not feeling rested at all. 

Not feeling anything at all. 

Nativity in Nothingness

As a husband and father currently living apart from his family due to economic situations semi-outside of his control, it becomes a substantial task to define the word "Home". for the first 10 years of my life I grew up in Suburban Milwaukee and the subsequent two thirds of my life was spent in an exurb about an hour away, and as such I cannot really ever use the phrase "born and raised in", or really claim to have a hometown, and for the last year of my life I've spent it split between two hour-away exurbs of the aforementioned Milwaukee. As such my children will also be in my predicament of never being able to claim a hometown. 

But is that really such a bad thing? One shouldn't be known by the identifying place of birth, not even the place one spent most of one's life. That should not define a person. 

But what is home?

When you're in my not-so-interesting predicament of having to decide between four plus cities to take up residence in, the question becomes muddled with very conflicting scenarios. These scenarios are further complicated by the fact that no two family units are alike, and what matters to one might not be so much a factor in another. One parent's job in one city, the other's in a different, children at school, parents and family in both, not really having a strong affinity for either city really...the difficulties mount. 

Through it all what I really want, aside from one roof, is some clarity. Direction. I want to know that whatever choice is made, it is what's best. The peace of "home" that some people take for granted, is everything I want right now. 

And not to have that makes me feel defeated. 

To not know what to do, to feel helpless in your current situation, to equate it with a hopeless cause, is one of the worst feelings. To struggle with it day after day is brutal. St. Jude pray for us. 

My life in recent years seems to be possible to parallel a plot line of Grey's Anatomy, complete with family drama from multiple sides, LVADs and heart transplants, deaths of family members, recently discovered family previously unknown, family secrets coming to light, diagnoses of autism, mental disorders, cardiomyopathy, on again off again platonic relationships, moving in and moving out, rushing around while life happens in the middle of it. For me, I identify closely with Meredith's coming to terms with her neuroses. I've learned a lot about myself over the past seven years, things I never realized about myself or had never taken the time to acknowledge. 

Home. 

The question quickly turns to "How quickly can I rectify my current situation" from "What's best for my family" and then becomes a dichotomy that my brain bounces back and forth between. But then...is it a false dichotomy, in that the two can overlap? Maybe it's not black and white. Maybe it's a gray of "What's best for my family IS to quickly rectify my current situation", that regardless of what locality we choose to base our particular family unit out of, we will truly be...home.

Easier said than done, because cognitive bias steps in to have its say, and soon you find yourself right back where you started from. And days, weeks, months pass, and nothing ever changes. 

To put it bluntly, a radical fire of change needs to be lit under my ass to get the ball rolling. But fire burns, and I don't like pain. But maybe it's a cathartic, purifying burn that will generate a Phoenix of loveliness that I, in my current situation and state of mind, cannot fathom. 

In Which I Dissect Living vs. Existing

I'm not having a good day.

I'm just going through a rough patch. 

Cliche? Perhaps. But you know what? That's okay. Mountain ranges are bordered by valleys. Plains even. And in the case of this country, the Great Plains seems to go on forever. Believe me I know, I've driven through Iowa and Nebraska. (Nothing against those particular states they are very lovely states) Flat, yes. But that's okay too. There's beauty everywhere if you open your eyes to see it. And you may ask yourself, "Well, how did I get here?" In the valleys of life we, or at least I, get pensive. It opens new perspectives. Granted, not being a perfect person I also get apprehensive and impatient and "grumpy af" in those valleys, but there is a time to be pensive in those valleys. This would happen to be one of those times.

Right now, if you were to ask me, in relation to the aforementioned Great Plains reference, where I am at this point, should I "find myself behind the wheel of a large automobile", I would say I am on I-80 just as you enter Colorado from Nebraska. I can see the Rocky Mountains in the distance, it's a ways off yet, but it's there, becoming more and more tangible the closer I get. Yet somehow...something seems to keep pushing me back eastward on the interstate, as it were.

And so the days go by, (insert subtle Talking Heads reference to Once in a Lifetime here), day after day equating hour after hour of driving through the flat plains states because you really just want to go to the mountains. You take a rest stop, see the World's Biggest Ball of Yarn, and that gives you a bit of excitement, you stop at a restaurant in Omaha that you've never heard of, and not one of those generic "Family Restaurants", I mean a greasy spoon truck stop where you leave almost wishing you hadn't eaten so much but it was so damn good you'd do it again. You stop at the Corn Palace if you happen to find yourself in South Dakota. Wall Drug even. You just do it.

There's beauty everywhere if you open your eyes to see it. Sometimes you have to force your eyes open and look, even if you don't want to look, because if you don't, you will be consumed by the valley. For the sake of one's sanity, one must tryto find the beauty. (I feel the need to apologize to Iowa and Nebraska again, for what could be inferred as you having to try to find beauty in those states. Again, they're very lovely states.)

A moment of clarity, enlightenment even, and you can visualize the road you must take to get where you want to go. I know I've made map/driving references before, but I can just relate that way. You realize that you are on I-80. And before long you will be on I-76 heading down into Denver. The Rocky Mountains are within your grasp. You are heading in the right direction. You really just have to be patient as you coast across the plains (OK I REALLY HAVE TO STOP WITH THIS METAPHOR OR IOWA AND NEBRASKA ARE REALLY GOING TO THINK I HATE THEM SECRETLY).

Same as it ever was. Nothing's changed, nothing's changing, I'm not really living but merely existing...no matter how you say it, this is the time where if you allow yourself to dwell on those thoughts your car will simply stall out and you'll be in the middle of nowhere (literally). Not only will you feel lost, you'll be lost, in that you know where you are and where you're going, but simply cannot get to your destination. You have to turn your head back and notice how far you've come. You may not feel like you've made it far at all. But you've just driven for a frickin day and a half, man. Some people go their entire lives and never leave their home state. You're two or three states over. You'll get to the mountains.

Look for the beauty where you are. In those corn fields in Iowa, you'll never see fields so green. Look at how deeply green they are against the blue sky dotted with cotton ball clouds.

It's not so easy to do. But if it takes celebrating the small victories along the way, as in "Yay I made it through Omaha!", "Yay, I'm halfway through this state!", "Yay, I'm straddling the Platte River!"...whatever the case may be, by celebrating those small victories you are acknowledging that you are getting somewhere. You are far from your initial starting point where you went "Okay, here we go...two days of driving and we're off."..........not much excitement there. This obviously can lead to bouts of impatience, "When the f*** are we gonna get there?!??" ....but even that, when you look back at your initial starting point, is tangible evidence of just how far you've come.

Shaking Fists at the Teacher's Silence

So here we are, 2016. And amidst all the "New year, new me" nonsense, I find myself in the same doldrums as I was in 2015. I still don't have a roof of my own, rented or mortgaged. I still find myself a level 2 with the hope of getting a promotion to level 3 this month. I still only have 27 of 120 college credits with a total of 40 by the time I finish the assignments I've been rescheduling since October. And yet, there is hope. Patience still needs to be exercised, and yet it seems easier. Everything is still as up in the air as it was a week ago, but the outlook is not so dreary.

Let me just state that Facebook and Vine are thieves of time! Thinking about what I do with my evenings...all I can come up is Facebook and Vine. Then I think to myself no, that can't be it. And then I realize that yes, it really is. Why do I really not read much anymore? Why have I not done anything school related for a couple months? Well, Christmas is one reason. But other than that, Facebook and Vine. For that matter so is blogging but for one, I didn't do that very often but for two, it's different because I get to tell a story. So I'm not counting blogging. So okay, now my challenge is to work on spending less time on them.

The teacher is always silent during the test.

I'm trying to redirect my impatience into Hope. While my current situation leaves a lot to be desired, we've come a long way from where we were a year ago. Two years ago even. I tend to lose sight of that fact more often than I should. Lately I've been focusing on what is happening now versus how far we've come. And I've taken steps already three days into the new year to make some necessary changes to how I do things. I've started reading The Hunger Games, I've begun work on one of my overdue assignments, and I'm writing this blog post, as well as brainstorming ideas for my children's series. And really, why should I care about Facebook anyway? Nobody pays attention to my posts anymore, and I'm tiring of seeing all these dog posts anyways.

Time management has never been one of my strong suits. Neither has organization.

So I'll take it week by week. I'll set little weekly goals as long as my attention span allows. Then revisit on Sunday, reassess and reassign as needed. Why does something so obvious seem like the greatest idea no one ever came up with before? Duh moment. (Spoiler Alert - since writing that, I have put it into play, and it has truly worked wonders for me. Out of the 5 acheivable goals I've set for myself, I've already done 3 and it's only midweek.)

"Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset." St. Francis de Sales

So I'm talking to one of my best friends while walking on my lunch break, and mind you, he is a dairy farmer. So we're talking, and I can't even remember what it was about when all of a sudden I hear on the other end a noose, followed by him saying "Ugh, thanks for Crappin' in the foot bath, Wanda." That will now never not be a thing.

I've been told recently that I have an "elegant and sophisticated writing style"...on a college paper I wrote that I got back to make revisions on because it just wasn't quite ready to be considered "mastered". I believe I will share that in an upcoming blog post. It's one thing to hear from your friends and colleagues, but from a complete and total stranger who doesn't even know what I look like, it just blew me away.

And really here's some insight I've just now gathered regarding Facebook. I'll go through my "on this day" section and yeah for the most part it's a trip down memory lane right? Then you come to this far out post that you made years ago about something big at the time. My example, my getting-fired-slash-quitting the bank. One comment. You open it up and apparently that person has blocked you. Dafuq?! So you spend all this time creating this life--sometimes pseudo life--on Facebook when clearly who are you really out there to impress!? People don't give a shit as much as you think they do. You really want to diary your life? Make a blog or YouTube videos. For me, that's my scrapbook of My Life as I Know It. A video scrapbook is even better. A blog will capture your inner feelings, your true insights on life, way better than a stupid flash-in-the-pan-Facebook-post or share will ever do. A video brings that person to life, as if they're right beside you as you remember them.
That's what I'm going to focus on this year social media speaking. Thanks for crappin in my foot bath of life, Facebook. (Ironically enough I will share this post via Facebook.)

No But Seriously...

Patience. 

Every time I say or think the word I think of the Guns 'n Roses song. It is one of the hardest things to do. Be patient. Wait. It's one lesson that for the past few years has been driven down my throat from Above. And not just for me either. Everything involves waiting. Waiting in line, waiting for payday, waiting for job opportunities, waiting for promotions, waiting for credit to heal, waiting for a baby to be born, Waiting to find out whether it'll be a boy or a girl. Waiting on a transplant list, waiting to hear results fr a test determining whether or not you have cancer, Waiting for a job interview while going about day by day at a job you hate that barely pays the bills. Waiting for summer. Waiting for a vacation. Waiting for the ratchet girl in front of you to turn her damn car.  Need I say more?

We are creatures that want answers and we want them now. Unfortunately there are just some things that Google can't answer, though how much would we love to just type it into the search bar anyway?

The situation can be likened to a road map (one of my favorite things). Because we can't see the future, we are zoomed into a neighborhood of a city. We can see the local streets but we can't see the principal arterials and highways that take us out of that city. We know what we want, or where we want to go, but how to get there is the big question. And the more patient we are, the more the map will zoom out so we can see it. Kinda like using internet explorer as your browser...and when the time is right, the map will zoom out far enough that we can see the highway to get out of where we are and begin the journey to where we want to be.

And so we wait. While we feel like the wait will physically kill us, we know that it is just a test. We are being tossed into the crucible to be tried by fire and we know we will come out of it a better person, and the lessons we learn during the wait will last going forward and afford us a greater level of patience and understanding. The circle turns, the hourglass fills up, and we sit hands folded in our laps (remember computers class, 90s kids?)

And if we don't get the answer we want, or have to wait longer...take heart. Yes there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run, there's still time to change the road you're on (apologies to Led Zeppelin). A new day will dawn for those who stand long and the forests will echo with laughter.

And it makes me wonder...

Et Tu, Brute?

Experience has taught me that God can sometimes be like an overly-caffeinated celebrity chef making his world famous--or maybe even just his newest--recipe for the first time on Live Television. Or maybe Gallagher at a Farmer's Market...but with the new Geico commercial, that's kind of cliche. I shake my fists at Geico; that would have been the best simile. Way better than the over-caffeinated celebrity chef. But I digress...

Let me back up a bit. I am extremely flattered that the Lord seems to think I can handle as much as he apparently does. He knows my level of patience, which anyone who knows me would be saying "What patience?" right about now. Still confused? Understandable. Well, about a month ago, I found out that my mom's heart condition is hereditary. After 40 years of smoking and to the point where she said she would never quit, she said that week that she wanted to quit. So I told her to pick a day and that I'd quit with her. She picked Black Friday. Thus, since November 23rd, 3:00 AM, I have not had a cigarette. It has been hell, let me say, but then again it has it's trade-offs. I still crave nicotine like there's no tomorrow...but I have willpower to not smoke, which is very new to me. 

Willpower...what is this concept?

Moving on...Hereditary Heart Disease, quitting smoking, ah yes. Black Friday we went to the in-laws to hang out. On the return trip home, just south of Mt. Calvary, a deer decided to attempt to take out my wife's 2008 Dodge Caliber. You think I'm joking. She (I know it was a doe) strode out from the south side of the road, crossing the eastbound lane and struck the driver's side headlight. Like it was an INCONVENIENCE, and MY car was in HER way!! Just BAM! head butts the thing, my 70 mph spun her around, she dents the driver's side wheel well, takes out my driver's side mirror completely (which has been held together with packing tape for the last 4 months), and DECIMATES the driver's side rear bumper. To the point where the sheriff I called to notify of said Altercation with the Doe, told me to safely continue my journey home I had to remove the bumper. Which I simply tore off from the crack...no comment.

Moving right along. Three more things happened that it is too soon to talk about. Two of them are on the negative side, one is pretty positive if I do say so myself and would qualify as the Positive Whipped Cream on top of this whole month. The other negative thing that I can and choose to talk about, I will do so after tomorrow. Because of this though, this blog exists. My Vlog will come into existence because of it. My Rooftop Leap List has come into being because of it, and a whole new attitude on things is coming about. I'd like to put that in an entire post. 

The important thing to remember though, when it seems like God is watching you going "All right," rubbing his hands together, "Let's throw a little bit of this (negative thing) at him, and then maybe some of this, and that...and we'll see what happens." He stirs the pot a little bit and goes, "Mm-hmm, okay now let's throw on some of this, this, this and this. OH THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART!" and then throws on more, all the while with a maniacal smile on his face as he adds more and stirs...whoa. Tangent. Crazy Adderall-induced Tangent.

The Title "Et Tu Brute" is dual-faceted. Don't get me wrong, I will never choose to give up my faith or Question God and his intentions, but there came a point where I basically said this...almost like a "Really?" "What Next?" "For real?" It also, as of late, has a personal connection to my life besides the events of the last month. I haven't figured out a way to Code this yet, so that I can divulge what happened without making the guilty party known...but when I do, I'll post it too. And who knows, maybe by then I'll have a whole new mindset on it, and it'll be nothing more than an overreaction on my part (which is entirely inside the realm of possibility)

What I can say is this. God is in control. He always will be. That is a constant. That being said, do not let what people want you to be, or more importantly, what people think of you, run you, run your life, run your decisions, or make you be someone you do not want to be. It took me to find out...what I found out last week...to figure that out, but the important thing is that I have. I have come across a few pertinent quotes yesterday, that you'll find below.

George Washington said, "Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation." Very Important for Anyone to remember. You don't just give all your trust to one person or a few people, at the drop of a hat, they have to earn it, and you in turn have to earn theirs.

The other one is from Dee Hock, founder and CEO of the Visa Credit Card Association (though this kills me to put a quote from such a guy on here, the quote is a good one and pertinent at that): "The problem is never how to get new, innovative thoughts into your mind, but how to get old ones out. Every mind is a building filled with archaic furniture. Clean out a corner of your mind and creativity will instantly fill it."

This Blog--more specifically, this entry, and possibly a few more like it, is me doing just that. Cleaning out a corner of my mind so that Creativity will instantly fill it. But i figured I might as well share with others, so that I in return may get satisfaction of entertaining others and not only that, so that I could quite possibly get some encouragement from you, my readers...as I go about my day as an Attention-deficient, Nicotine-starved Aspy with an Oversized Left Ventricle, trying to find his voice in the Deafening Silence of the World.

So...Final Summation...Be You. Be You Regardless of anyone or anything else. As long as your focus is on the Lord, everything else will fall into place. My English IV Teacher told me that...well actually he said it in an interview for the Reporter. I paraphrase here, of course. It HAS been almost a decade, you realize. As much as it will pain me, and it quite possibly will...I've got to take my own advice. Bill Cosby said "I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." 

"If you are not criticized, you may not be doing much." - Dale Carnegie

"It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not lived at all. In which case, you've failed by default." - J.K. Rowling