Asphalt Bars

I will be the first person to say I don't know the inner workings of depression, how it operates or what brings about episodes. I will also say that I would love to be privy to such information.

I'm not saying that I believe I am going through an episode at present. I'm not even saying that right now I am currently depressed. The term I think is most applicable in my case at immediate present, I would say, is restless.

It amazes me that a little over a month ago I could make a post called The Choice For Awesome and now find myself saying I feel restless. And not in a good way, either.

Okay let me back up a bit. The aforementioned post, admittedly, was a little overzealous. I did do a vlog, on September 12. Due to circumstances beyond my control, including but not limited to an eardrum-rupturing ear infection, I was unable to continue. Don't get me wrong, I still have that taste for awesome as I so vividly displayed back then. I may just need a little redirection of sorts.

Let me back up a bit further. Ever since I moved to this city from suburban Milwaukee exactly 21 years ago this month (October 1st to be exact), I've hated it. Speaking in the hyperbolic sense, there's nothing more I'd love than to move, to a bigger city, to a different state, maybe even to another country altogether. Just. Out. Of. Here.

Several factors are preventing such a move, even in the slightest degree of moving to a neighboring biggish city, as I discovered last year. Some are inside my control, but most are out of my control. In addition, one of the biggest things that is in my control, even when I accomplish it, might not have a huge difference in the municipality of which I reside.

Yes, this city is a prison of sorts, especially taking into account that it is "walled off", if you will, by a freeway and a freeway-wannabe, the access control points of which are becoming decreasingly hard to cross. But then I stop and think how much different things would have been, say had I done what I wanted to do post-high school. Differently, not in a good way either. As much as I felt (and sometimes still feel) like George Bailey, it needed to happen this way. And sometimes I forget that.

And that's when it hit me.

Save for one paragraph above, everything I wrote in this post was written about a week ago, before I had an epiphany of sorts, this morning. I wasn't ready to post this post yet, partially due to the fact that my routine has not permitted...no, but this restlessness I am feeling, has an origin.

Enter puer aeternus.

I've just become privy to information about this, and would not even describe myself as marginally knowledgeable about it, but what I did glean from it has gotten me thinking.

I think there's a difference between "being a kid at heart" and "never wanting to grow up", as the puer aeternus would state. It might be a fine line, but there's a difference. I think my biggest problem is as of late, I have fallen into the trap of "waiting for my ship to come in", so to speak. I've lost a certain amount of joy, but yet I am not per se depressed. Not that the loss of a certain fraction of joy doesn't bother me, but it is nowhere near the episode I experienced before.

I googled something to the effect of "finding joy again", and one of the things I found that was rather noteworthy instructed me to think back to the Halcyon Days of when I was 7-8, and what I enjoyed doing back then. It took some coaxing, and didn't come to me right away.

I derive joy in puzzles. Sudoku, crosswords, piecing together the puzzles of family history. I derive joy in just looking at maps. The new year's edition of Rand McNally's Road Atlas was always on my must-have list. As a result and with the help of Google Maps at times, I consider myself a person with a great sense of direction, something I generally take for granted until I come across someone who does not have said quality and asks directions to get somewhere (Mom and Alex, I'm looking at you). I derived joy in playing pretend. I derived joy in creating, even if it was just making Lego Towers in Lego Cities, or buildings and train stations out of empty cigarette packs while my dad was building the real deal in the basement. (In retrospect, admittedly a 7 year old should not be trusted with a soldering iron, as much as I wanted to build things myself)

I derive joy in writing, in using big words correctly (but not often enough to be considered pretentious). I derive joy in research, as I've already mentioned genealogy. But other things, too. Looking at Google Maps, seeing the borders of any given city, the population trends of said city...but then just when I start to think that that city would be a great place to live in, the pangs of being stuck here come back.

It's stupid, I know. But as I say, these are the things that thrust themselves into my mind every day.

I want change, yet am scared of it sometimes. When I want things to stay the same, they change, and when I want them to change, they stay the same.

I must learn to create my joy in the restlessness, in the "puer aeternus" if you will. I cannot keep standing on the dock waiting for my ship to come in. I've got to get to the shipyard and build a dinghy myself.

Yes, I chose dinghy because I like the sound of that word, not because I never want to grow up. I'm not asking for a luxury cruise liner here, a freakin' raft will do.

I don't know if my grandpa ever felt "stuck" in Milwaukee, but I do know if he did, it took north of 70 years for him to get out. And here I am just north of 20 complaining. The problem I have here, is that there's just so much to be seen and experienced beyond the asphalt walls of this town. So many other places that may be a better fit for me and my family. And maybe that opportunity will open up, but I have to let it open up when it's ready. I can't create it myself. I might as well be waiting in New York City in 1912 for the Titanic to dock.

But what I can do, is create joy in the here and now. And that is my assignment.

Finding the St. Francis Within

This past Friday, I listened to a fascinating documentary on St. Francis of Assisi. It was very jarring in a most positive way, to the point that he may give St. Philip Neri a run for his money in terms of being my patron saint. You can have more than one, right? I hope so.

It is my understanding that Francis of Assisi was much like me, much like all of us really, through his teens and 20s. Then he found himself in an old dilapidated church and call it what you want - he had a vision upon gazing at the crucifix. The Lord told him to rebuild his church. So he did. He cleaned up and repaired that church. Obviously there was a deeper meaning to it, but from what I understand, he left that experience a changed person. He wanted to do something bigger with his life.

I'm going to stop there, lest I ruin the documentary for you. But that is where I find myself today. I'm a 31-year-old Claims Adjuster, having gone through 3 different jobs since I started working on "the edge of twenty", to borrow but not quote a phrase from Stevie Nicks. As a side note, I've recently found out that my quoting of songs in past blog posts amounted to what I am calling an accidental infringement, and thus all quotes (to the best of my ability) have been removed, sadly. I am very much a musical person, and one of those people that if we can't talk in song lyrics we can't be friends. I enjoyed making that a part of my blogs but I also don't like infringing on copyright, so it had to be done.

Doing what I do for a job, I hardly feel like the force of nature I've made it my life's goal to become. Have I discovered what my true passion is yet? I can't say that I really have, but I'm working on it. I'm not asking to become a bestselling author, celebrity chef or professional vlogger/blogger, but I do enjoy all those things. I'm trying to figure out which of my passions I could capitalize on and do for a living. Many people say cooking is my strong suit. Humbly, I say that I'm not that good. And it's true, I have a lot to learn. Everybody does. But I can't in good conscience continue to do what I'm doing, expecting to be that force of nature I'm always striving to be.

My old religion teacher always used the phrase "the workaday world", and I now get what that means. I used to write for hours every day. Now, I'm lucky to be able to sit down and pen thoughts that are swimming in my head. Ten hours of work, plus a family, does not equal much free time. It's a struggle trying to ensure everything gets done, both wants and needs.

But does it have to be?

Say my true passion does involve cooking. At present, I don't feel like me taking on any kind of cooking job would be able to pay enough to sustain my family. I know money isn't everything but hey, a Claims Adjuster salary is doable with some creative financing, and as I've said I'm no celebrity chef. Not to mention I'm sure if I wanted to do something like that, I should have thought of that after high school and not as I enter my 30s.

Thinking about it, what do I really love? Writing. Writing, Photography, and making videos. And I love watching vlogs on YouTube, specifically vlogbrothers and Wheezy Waiter. I don't necessarily feel like I live an interesting enough life to vlog about, but the time factor comes into play again.

I refuse to be relegated to mediocrity. If there's one thing I learned from the Vlogbrothers, it is not to forget to be awesome. And that's what I want to do with my life. Something awesome. Maybe only awesome for few, maybe awesome for many, but something awesome nonetheless.

And now is the part where I open it up to you, the readers, taking suggestions on how to best find my true passion.

A Lesson From a Mourning Dove

This morning, I sat on my back stoop during my morning ritual, during which a mourning dove (after scaring the shit out of my wife and I after taking off from the side of the house right over the door we just exited) kept flying all around the backyard. It was rhythmic, too - the typical squeaking if you will, as the dove takes off and flies to its destination.

And then I noticed a pattern. The dove would fly off to the side of the house where I had no view, and then fly back, once over to where Philip was peacefully munching on his green leafy weeds, and then back to his spot on the side of the house. Then back to over past the treeline into the neighbor's yard, and back to his spot. And I watched the dove. Every time it went out, it came back with a small twig betwixt its beak.

And then it dawned on me. It was nesting.

Persistently, one twig at a time, one shriveled up leaf at a time, dutifully back and forth.

And then I directed my thoughts inward. That is exactly what I am doing right now. After the events of the last year, one by one things are coming back. And we're accomplishing the task of making our nest, if you will, one flight, one twig, one leaf at a time. We're saving for vacations for the first time. Not a sponsor but the Ibotta app is helping with that, just yesterday I cashed out my first $20. One gallon of milk, one dozen eggs, one box of cereal at a time. One car payment, one cleaning job, one lawn mowing job, one bag of cans, one old outfit that doesn't fit anymore being sold, one penny, dime, quarter at a time. And what we are building is something beautiful for our family.

Dawn

"I am making everything new!"

Admittedly that is in regards to something completely different...I am not talking about the New Heaven and New Earth in Revelation. But I thought that verse was pertinent, especially now. God is making everything new. Recently He has finally blessed us with a place to call our own, even if it is rented. As He always does, He has made everything perfect and is working things out for the good of those who love Him. I feel on fire, in more ways than one, and I haven't felt this way in a long time. Don't get me wrong, my life is still far from perfect, and even now our new house looks like a war zone. It will all fall into place.

In regards to my Journey of Faith, well, as they say in the scientific world, "further research is necessary." Suffice it to say that there's just so much I don't know and haven't learned that I cannot just jump ship.

The volatility of life has not changed either, but my perspective on it is evolving. I feel like I'm beginning to awaken from the sleep of depression, however at this point I'm still groggy and only on my first cup of coffee. I do not function until I've had at least one and a half cups of coffee. Well okay, I function, but barely...

Confessions From the Fog

A vice grip can be a handy tool. It can also be a metaphor used to define situations in which life is pressing down on all sides leaving one with little to no room to even exist. St. Paul makes reference to this. Money can be a vice grip when you live paycheck to paycheck and all your money is gone the day you get it and somebody always wants more. Friends and loved ones can pull you in different directions and, if you're a people pleaser like me, you can't satisfy them all and somebody is left feeling disdain.

The situation quickly becomes a mountain it seems impossible to surmount. And there you sit. 

Because of negative cognitive bias, we tend to only focus on the bad things, and it becomes like a dark veil overshadowing all the good things happening. Or a very dense fog that when you try to look through it all you see is a gloomy nothingness so close it's suffocating. 

How does one combat it? I'm currently trying to figure that out. 

When the sun does manage to come out and burn that fog away, the positives that shine through seem to be frail, fleeting moments of joy before night falls and the crippling fog sets back in, leaving one clueless as to when the sun will come out again, and this can be even worse than a vice grip, squeezing ever harder as like an addict fixating on his next high one seeks out the happiness that has just eluded. Motivation to do anything evaporates, as one no longer finds joy in things they once did. 

And the vice grip tightens, and even more pressure is exuded. All internalized, all encompassing stress constricts one's ability to think or act or do. One goes through the motions day in and day out, and even that is trying, like trying to get through one's day with a migraine. Life becomes a migraine, and all one wants to do is sleep. 

And then sleep comes, and you wake up in that same fog, not feeling rested at all. 

Not feeling anything at all. 

Nativity in Nothingness

As a husband and father currently living apart from his family due to economic situations semi-outside of his control, it becomes a substantial task to define the word "Home". for the first 10 years of my life I grew up in Suburban Milwaukee and the subsequent two thirds of my life was spent in an exurb about an hour away, and as such I cannot really ever use the phrase "born and raised in", or really claim to have a hometown, and for the last year of my life I've spent it split between two hour-away exurbs of the aforementioned Milwaukee. As such my children will also be in my predicament of never being able to claim a hometown. 

But is that really such a bad thing? One shouldn't be known by the identifying place of birth, not even the place one spent most of one's life. That should not define a person. 

But what is home?

When you're in my not-so-interesting predicament of having to decide between four plus cities to take up residence in, the question becomes muddled with very conflicting scenarios. These scenarios are further complicated by the fact that no two family units are alike, and what matters to one might not be so much a factor in another. One parent's job in one city, the other's in a different, children at school, parents and family in both, not really having a strong affinity for either city really...the difficulties mount. 

Through it all what I really want, aside from one roof, is some clarity. Direction. I want to know that whatever choice is made, it is what's best. The peace of "home" that some people take for granted, is everything I want right now. 

And not to have that makes me feel defeated. 

To not know what to do, to feel helpless in your current situation, to equate it with a hopeless cause, is one of the worst feelings. To struggle with it day after day is brutal. St. Jude pray for us. 

My life in recent years seems to be possible to parallel a plot line of Grey's Anatomy, complete with family drama from multiple sides, LVADs and heart transplants, deaths of family members, recently discovered family previously unknown, family secrets coming to light, diagnoses of autism, mental disorders, cardiomyopathy, on again off again platonic relationships, moving in and moving out, rushing around while life happens in the middle of it. For me, I identify closely with Meredith's coming to terms with her neuroses. I've learned a lot about myself over the past seven years, things I never realized about myself or had never taken the time to acknowledge. 

Home. 

The question quickly turns to "How quickly can I rectify my current situation" from "What's best for my family" and then becomes a dichotomy that my brain bounces back and forth between. But then...is it a false dichotomy, in that the two can overlap? Maybe it's not black and white. Maybe it's a gray of "What's best for my family IS to quickly rectify my current situation", that regardless of what locality we choose to base our particular family unit out of, we will truly be...home.

Easier said than done, because cognitive bias steps in to have its say, and soon you find yourself right back where you started from. And days, weeks, months pass, and nothing ever changes. 

To put it bluntly, a radical fire of change needs to be lit under my ass to get the ball rolling. But fire burns, and I don't like pain. But maybe it's a cathartic, purifying burn that will generate a Phoenix of loveliness that I, in my current situation and state of mind, cannot fathom. 

Shaking Fists at the Teacher's Silence

So here we are, 2016. And amidst all the "New year, new me" nonsense, I find myself in the same doldrums as I was in 2015. I still don't have a roof of my own, rented or mortgaged. I still find myself a level 2 with the hope of getting a promotion to level 3 this month. I still only have 27 of 120 college credits with a total of 40 by the time I finish the assignments I've been rescheduling since October. And yet, there is hope. Patience still needs to be exercised, and yet it seems easier. Everything is still as up in the air as it was a week ago, but the outlook is not so dreary.

Let me just state that Facebook and Vine are thieves of time! Thinking about what I do with my evenings...all I can come up is Facebook and Vine. Then I think to myself no, that can't be it. And then I realize that yes, it really is. Why do I really not read much anymore? Why have I not done anything school related for a couple months? Well, Christmas is one reason. But other than that, Facebook and Vine. For that matter so is blogging but for one, I didn't do that very often but for two, it's different because I get to tell a story. So I'm not counting blogging. So okay, now my challenge is to work on spending less time on them.

The teacher is always silent during the test.

I'm trying to redirect my impatience into Hope. While my current situation leaves a lot to be desired, we've come a long way from where we were a year ago. Two years ago even. I tend to lose sight of that fact more often than I should. Lately I've been focusing on what is happening now versus how far we've come. And I've taken steps already three days into the new year to make some necessary changes to how I do things. I've started reading The Hunger Games, I've begun work on one of my overdue assignments, and I'm writing this blog post, as well as brainstorming ideas for my children's series. And really, why should I care about Facebook anyway? Nobody pays attention to my posts anymore, and I'm tiring of seeing all these dog posts anyways.

Time management has never been one of my strong suits. Neither has organization.

So I'll take it week by week. I'll set little weekly goals as long as my attention span allows. Then revisit on Sunday, reassess and reassign as needed. Why does something so obvious seem like the greatest idea no one ever came up with before? Duh moment. (Spoiler Alert - since writing that, I have put it into play, and it has truly worked wonders for me. Out of the 5 acheivable goals I've set for myself, I've already done 3 and it's only midweek.)

"Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset." St. Francis de Sales

So I'm talking to one of my best friends while walking on my lunch break, and mind you, he is a dairy farmer. So we're talking, and I can't even remember what it was about when all of a sudden I hear on the other end a noose, followed by him saying "Ugh, thanks for Crappin' in the foot bath, Wanda." That will now never not be a thing.

I've been told recently that I have an "elegant and sophisticated writing style"...on a college paper I wrote that I got back to make revisions on because it just wasn't quite ready to be considered "mastered". I believe I will share that in an upcoming blog post. It's one thing to hear from your friends and colleagues, but from a complete and total stranger who doesn't even know what I look like, it just blew me away.

And really here's some insight I've just now gathered regarding Facebook. I'll go through my "on this day" section and yeah for the most part it's a trip down memory lane right? Then you come to this far out post that you made years ago about something big at the time. My example, my getting-fired-slash-quitting the bank. One comment. You open it up and apparently that person has blocked you. Dafuq?! So you spend all this time creating this life--sometimes pseudo life--on Facebook when clearly who are you really out there to impress!? People don't give a shit as much as you think they do. You really want to diary your life? Make a blog or YouTube videos. For me, that's my scrapbook of My Life as I Know It. A video scrapbook is even better. A blog will capture your inner feelings, your true insights on life, way better than a stupid flash-in-the-pan-Facebook-post or share will ever do. A video brings that person to life, as if they're right beside you as you remember them.
That's what I'm going to focus on this year social media speaking. Thanks for crappin in my foot bath of life, Facebook. (Ironically enough I will share this post via Facebook.)

No But Seriously...

Patience. 

Every time I say or think the word I think of the Guns 'n Roses song. It is one of the hardest things to do. Be patient. Wait. It's one lesson that for the past few years has been driven down my throat from Above. And not just for me either. Everything involves waiting. Waiting in line, waiting for payday, waiting for job opportunities, waiting for promotions, waiting for credit to heal, waiting for a baby to be born, Waiting to find out whether it'll be a boy or a girl. Waiting on a transplant list, waiting to hear results fr a test determining whether or not you have cancer, Waiting for a job interview while going about day by day at a job you hate that barely pays the bills. Waiting for summer. Waiting for a vacation. Waiting for the ratchet girl in front of you to turn her damn car.  Need I say more?

We are creatures that want answers and we want them now. Unfortunately there are just some things that Google can't answer, though how much would we love to just type it into the search bar anyway?

The situation can be likened to a road map (one of my favorite things). Because we can't see the future, we are zoomed into a neighborhood of a city. We can see the local streets but we can't see the principal arterials and highways that take us out of that city. We know what we want, or where we want to go, but how to get there is the big question. And the more patient we are, the more the map will zoom out so we can see it. Kinda like using internet explorer as your browser...and when the time is right, the map will zoom out far enough that we can see the highway to get out of where we are and begin the journey to where we want to be.

And so we wait. While we feel like the wait will physically kill us, we know that it is just a test. We are being tossed into the crucible to be tried by fire and we know we will come out of it a better person, and the lessons we learn during the wait will last going forward and afford us a greater level of patience and understanding. The circle turns, the hourglass fills up, and we sit hands folded in our laps (remember computers class, 90s kids?)

And if we don't get the answer we want, or have to wait longer...take heart. Yes there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run, there's still time to change the road you're on (apologies to Led Zeppelin). A new day will dawn for those who stand long and the forests will echo with laughter.

And it makes me wonder...

On Daring to Dream

There are some people that find the purest joy in life in dashing the dreams of others. Why would anyone dare to dream anymore, when someone who calls themselves a "realist", or just someone who loves belittling others, pops in to tell them why their dream will flop over and die? Or that their idea is stupid?

If there's one trait I love, it's the trait that ignores the realists and those who dash dreams, and chases that dream anyway, because now they've got someone to prove wrong. And they won't stop until they accomplish that goal.

Cases in point

My grandma told me these stories...She was going to take my two older cousins to get their ears pierced back in the day and she thought about getting a piercing herself. Grandpa says "What do you need another hole in the head for?" Guess what she got...yup. This other time, my great-grandmother (or possibly great-great, not sure) asked her husband, my great-grandfather, who was an electrician, to put a light in above the sink, as she wanted more light when working there. Great Grandpa said it wouldn't work, it couldn't be done, it'd be too difficult to cut a hole. So one day while he was at work, she took my great grandfather's tools and cut herself a nice light-sized hole in the ceiling. Upon returning home from work she said "the hole is there, now put in my light."

And that's the lesson to be learned. Don't let anybody tell you that you are incapable of doing something, or that something is 'impossible'.

"You'll never finish that puzzle."

"You can't build things, what makes you think you can build a house?"

"That's impossible"

"That's a stupid idea..."

You now have someone or some people to prove wrong. Make them eat their words.

It Couldn't Be Done

Poem by Edgar Albert Guest

I find this poem to be very fitting at this point in my life, and as my Facebook won't let me share such a long post, I'm posting it here. 

 Somebody said that it couldn't be done, 

But he with a chuckle replied

That "maybe it couldn't," but he would be one 

Who wouldn't say so till he'd tried.

So he buckled right in with the trace of a grin 

On his face. If he worried he hid it.

He started to sing as he tackled the thing 

That couldn't be done, and he did it.  

Somebody scoffed: "Oh, you'll never do that; 

At least no one ever has done it";

But he took off his coat and he took off his hat, 

And the first thing we knew he'd begun it.

With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin, 

Without any doubting or quiddit,

He started to sing as he tackled the thing 

That couldn't be done, and he did it.  

There are thousands to tell you it cannot be done, 

There are thousands to prophesy failure;

There are thousands to point out to you, one by one, 

The dangers that wait to assail you.

But just buckle in with a bit of a grin, 

Just take off your coat and go to it;

Just start to sing as you tackle the thing 

That "cannot be done," and you'll do it.

Et Tu, Brute?

Experience has taught me that God can sometimes be like an overly-caffeinated celebrity chef making his world famous--or maybe even just his newest--recipe for the first time on Live Television. Or maybe Gallagher at a Farmer's Market...but with the new Geico commercial, that's kind of cliche. I shake my fists at Geico; that would have been the best simile. Way better than the over-caffeinated celebrity chef. But I digress...

Let me back up a bit. I am extremely flattered that the Lord seems to think I can handle as much as he apparently does. He knows my level of patience, which anyone who knows me would be saying "What patience?" right about now. Still confused? Understandable. Well, about a month ago, I found out that my mom's heart condition is hereditary. After 40 years of smoking and to the point where she said she would never quit, she said that week that she wanted to quit. So I told her to pick a day and that I'd quit with her. She picked Black Friday. Thus, since November 23rd, 3:00 AM, I have not had a cigarette. It has been hell, let me say, but then again it has it's trade-offs. I still crave nicotine like there's no tomorrow...but I have willpower to not smoke, which is very new to me. 

Willpower...what is this concept?

Moving on...Hereditary Heart Disease, quitting smoking, ah yes. Black Friday we went to the in-laws to hang out. On the return trip home, just south of Mt. Calvary, a deer decided to attempt to take out my wife's 2008 Dodge Caliber. You think I'm joking. She (I know it was a doe) strode out from the south side of the road, crossing the eastbound lane and struck the driver's side headlight. Like it was an INCONVENIENCE, and MY car was in HER way!! Just BAM! head butts the thing, my 70 mph spun her around, she dents the driver's side wheel well, takes out my driver's side mirror completely (which has been held together with packing tape for the last 4 months), and DECIMATES the driver's side rear bumper. To the point where the sheriff I called to notify of said Altercation with the Doe, told me to safely continue my journey home I had to remove the bumper. Which I simply tore off from the crack...no comment.

Moving right along. Three more things happened that it is too soon to talk about. Two of them are on the negative side, one is pretty positive if I do say so myself and would qualify as the Positive Whipped Cream on top of this whole month. The other negative thing that I can and choose to talk about, I will do so after tomorrow. Because of this though, this blog exists. My Vlog will come into existence because of it. My Rooftop Leap List has come into being because of it, and a whole new attitude on things is coming about. I'd like to put that in an entire post. 

The important thing to remember though, when it seems like God is watching you going "All right," rubbing his hands together, "Let's throw a little bit of this (negative thing) at him, and then maybe some of this, and that...and we'll see what happens." He stirs the pot a little bit and goes, "Mm-hmm, okay now let's throw on some of this, this, this and this. OH THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART!" and then throws on more, all the while with a maniacal smile on his face as he adds more and stirs...whoa. Tangent. Crazy Adderall-induced Tangent.

The Title "Et Tu Brute" is dual-faceted. Don't get me wrong, I will never choose to give up my faith or Question God and his intentions, but there came a point where I basically said this...almost like a "Really?" "What Next?" "For real?" It also, as of late, has a personal connection to my life besides the events of the last month. I haven't figured out a way to Code this yet, so that I can divulge what happened without making the guilty party known...but when I do, I'll post it too. And who knows, maybe by then I'll have a whole new mindset on it, and it'll be nothing more than an overreaction on my part (which is entirely inside the realm of possibility)

What I can say is this. God is in control. He always will be. That is a constant. That being said, do not let what people want you to be, or more importantly, what people think of you, run you, run your life, run your decisions, or make you be someone you do not want to be. It took me to find out...what I found out last week...to figure that out, but the important thing is that I have. I have come across a few pertinent quotes yesterday, that you'll find below.

George Washington said, "Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation." Very Important for Anyone to remember. You don't just give all your trust to one person or a few people, at the drop of a hat, they have to earn it, and you in turn have to earn theirs.

The other one is from Dee Hock, founder and CEO of the Visa Credit Card Association (though this kills me to put a quote from such a guy on here, the quote is a good one and pertinent at that): "The problem is never how to get new, innovative thoughts into your mind, but how to get old ones out. Every mind is a building filled with archaic furniture. Clean out a corner of your mind and creativity will instantly fill it."

This Blog--more specifically, this entry, and possibly a few more like it, is me doing just that. Cleaning out a corner of my mind so that Creativity will instantly fill it. But i figured I might as well share with others, so that I in return may get satisfaction of entertaining others and not only that, so that I could quite possibly get some encouragement from you, my readers...as I go about my day as an Attention-deficient, Nicotine-starved Aspy with an Oversized Left Ventricle, trying to find his voice in the Deafening Silence of the World.

So...Final Summation...Be You. Be You Regardless of anyone or anything else. As long as your focus is on the Lord, everything else will fall into place. My English IV Teacher told me that...well actually he said it in an interview for the Reporter. I paraphrase here, of course. It HAS been almost a decade, you realize. As much as it will pain me, and it quite possibly will...I've got to take my own advice. Bill Cosby said "I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." 

"If you are not criticized, you may not be doing much." - Dale Carnegie

"It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not lived at all. In which case, you've failed by default." - J.K. Rowling