No But Seriously...

Patience. 

Every time I say or think the word I think of the Guns 'n Roses song. It is one of the hardest things to do. Be patient. Wait. It's one lesson that for the past few years has been driven down my throat from Above. And not just for me either. Everything involves waiting. Waiting in line, waiting for payday, waiting for job opportunities, waiting for promotions, waiting for credit to heal, waiting for a baby to be born, Waiting to find out whether it'll be a boy or a girl. Waiting on a transplant list, waiting to hear results fr a test determining whether or not you have cancer, Waiting for a job interview while going about day by day at a job you hate that barely pays the bills. Waiting for summer. Waiting for a vacation. Waiting for the ratchet girl in front of you to turn her damn car.  Need I say more?

We are creatures that want answers and we want them now. Unfortunately there are just some things that Google can't answer, though how much would we love to just type it into the search bar anyway?

The situation can be likened to a road map (one of my favorite things). Because we can't see the future, we are zoomed into a neighborhood of a city. We can see the local streets but we can't see the principal arterials and highways that take us out of that city. We know what we want, or where we want to go, but how to get there is the big question. And the more patient we are, the more the map will zoom out so we can see it. Kinda like using internet explorer as your browser...and when the time is right, the map will zoom out far enough that we can see the highway to get out of where we are and begin the journey to where we want to be.

And so we wait. While we feel like the wait will physically kill us, we know that it is just a test. We are being tossed into the crucible to be tried by fire and we know we will come out of it a better person, and the lessons we learn during the wait will last going forward and afford us a greater level of patience and understanding. The circle turns, the hourglass fills up, and we sit hands folded in our laps (remember computers class, 90s kids?)

And if we don't get the answer we want, or have to wait longer...take heart. Yes there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run, there's still time to change the road you're on (apologies to Led Zeppelin). A new day will dawn for those who stand long and the forests will echo with laughter.

And it makes me wonder...

In Which I Uncover Regret

Regret. Merriam-Webster defines regret as "to feel sorry or sad for something you did or did not do".

 Many people say they live their life with no regrets, but I tend to think that many people are fooling themselves. Everyone has to have at least one thing that they regret, even if they say they don't. I was one of those who claimed I had no regrets. But then my grandma's would-be 80th birthday rolled around. Without any other choice, I wrote her an open letter as a status on my Facebook.

Without getting into details, let me just restate that I believe everyone has at least one regret in their lives. Believing something someone said that affected how you viewed someone else. Not taking the time to do, or not do, something. Not "coming to your senses sooner" about something. Whatever the case may be, everyone has a regret. It's what you choose to do with it that makes the difference. You can bury it and forget about it, or use it. React to it. Choose to learn from it, and use the experience as a lesson. A hard lesson, perhaps. But feeling sorry for yourself because you messed up will certainly not change anything. It won't do any good either. Use the experience, use the lesson, to change your course, and avoid potential future situations which you would've otherwise continued down the same path.

This is a major duh moment. But too often people just feel sorry for themselves for the mistakes they've made and do nothing to change the way they react. And the world keeps turning, and nothing ever changes.

So as the saying goes, be the change you want to see. It sounds easy enough, yet many find it so hard to do. It takes integrity to pull it off. There's a reason and a purpose for everything. We can't see the big picture, only glimpses and corners. Frustrating? Most definitely. But we slowly get to see more of it as it comes into focus.

It's easy enough to say...why is it at times hard to do? I find myself a victim of this train of thought too. I know I want to do something, but the ghosts of those regrets come back with a vengeance. Say it to yourself. Be the change you want to see. If others can't or won't accept it, so be it.

On Self-Therapy

People make bucket lists. I actually came across mine the other day. I have it saved to my email, of course...my email has become my dumping ground for any and all of my latest ideas, wish-lists, recipes to try, whatever I seem to be obsessed with that day or that week that I don't want to forget...and then end up forgetting because well that ticker keeps going in my brain and then a squirrel comes by...you fellow ADD Tribe Members know what I'm talking about...

Let me paint a visual for you. You watch the news, and they have a little Ticker Tape going on, on the bottom of the screen, and they're giving you the news while this is scrolling across your TV like a Severe Weather Bulletin. For someone with ADD, add about three or four tickers on top of that, all scrolling different information, on top of the news anchors delivering you even more information. Welcome to a day in the life of me.

Co-morbid with the ADD is a touch of OCD and also Asperger Syndrome. I've learned to love it because I get to obsess about a different thing each day, sometimes in cycles for instance Family History. I'll go through spurts of about 2 weeks at a crack where I'll be hard core "Let's get a subscription to ancestry.com and research the crap out of our families!!" and then two weeks later it's onto the next obsession. Hence, a subscription would probably NOT be a good idea. But if any of you out there are willing to search for me...Just kidding. That would be boring for you.

I've learned through a short stint in therapy that writing my blog and doing my YouTube Videos is actually a good form of self-therapy for me…which is great because around the time my son Jax was born, I legitimately forgot to attend my therapy appointments. You must know though at the time, my mother was having Emergency Surgery to place an LVAD into her heart which she could have died from, although she did die twice in the ambulance from here to Milwaukee. Needless to say I had a LOT on my mind. My point—though my therapy sessions were working wonders for me, due to my missing (I believe) three in a row, my therapist subsequently dropped me from his care. Bummer.

SO...now you, the reader, can get a taste of life behind the veil of "someone on the spectrum"...I know I'm not the only Aspie to write a blog. I'm not trying to glorify it, or use it as a crutch, or make people feel sorry for me. I love me. I love learning new characteristics about me. And I'm blessed because I have people who know my quirks yet love me anyway. It's the epitome of the phrase "Those who matter don't mind, those who mind don't matter." 

You know, I started this entry talking about bucket lists and coming across mine...another case in point for an ADD Tribe Member...

I dare to dream. I like to think I dream big. I say this because there are those who when I say my dream either immediately try to shoot it down or lead me to believe "he's shooting for the moon, there's no way he can do that."...

I feel like I've blogged about that before. Here's to dreaming big.

I consider myself an empathic person. That tends to wear a person out. It's great to be an empathic person, because in my opinion the world needs more empaths...but at the same time, one gets so wrapped up in taking on others' problems that their own needs oftentimes get neglected. It's a fine line to walk being an empath.