Trains on a Butterfly Wing

You get to a point in your life when you finally grow up. You realize the things you made such a big deal about when you were a teenager aren't as big of a deal as they were, and you even question your motives as to why you let it upset you to the extent that you did. And then you feel embarrassed by the way you acted/reacted.

I can't say I've had the same childhood as Anthony Kiedis, lead singer of my favorite band, the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Nor can I say I've had the same father/son relationship he had with his father. But I can relate to this song, on a different level. The Red Hot Chili Peppers song "Savior" until very recently just struck me as another track off of the Californication album, something I usually would skip over unless I was in that mood. That is, until I found out what the song was about, thanks to both Kiedis and his father Blackie Dammett via a YouTube video.

(side note, the RHCP are notorious for having hidden meanings in their songs, and me having the delightful inability to read between the lines has to make it a point to seek out the meanings as I can't read them myself)

The line "he's just a man and any damage done will be all right" resonates with me, especially now that I know the song is about his father. Growing up, I didn't exactly have a normal father/son relationship with my father. As this isn't a tell-all autobiography and just merely a blog post, I won't get into details. As I've grown and (in terms of this subject) matured, I've come to the realization that I was quite - you'll forgive my blunt phrasing here - a drama whore, in my teenage years. Going back and reading the things I wrote, hoping they'd become future bestsellers at the time and thinking I'd written gold, I have confirmed this notion. Now I just roll my eyes.

No one was a victim, and no one was an instigator, although 15 years ago I was telling the story quite differently. When you get two people together that are under the same mindset of "This is logical to me, and anything different is illogical and therefore wrong", and one of those person's logic goes against the other person's logic, there are bound to be problems.

As for the aforementioned writings, after much debate I've decided that they belong in what I have cleverly dubbed "The Turd Archive". I could take the time to polish them up and tweak the drama out of them but I think that time would be better spent adopting my new and improved (and still improving) writing style, and starting fresh. This decade long creativity dry spell has to end,

I didn't become addicted to drugs because my father fed them to me along with a passion for womanizing and what not, so in that way I differ from the song. But in many ways I can relate. There was a time when I wanted nothing to do with him, even thought about changing last name (see? drama whore), and then my perspective changed. It wasn't overnight; in fact it took many years for me to adopt this new perspective, but I'm glad I finally did.

He did what my grandfather did before him, and what I'm sure his father did, and so on. He made the best of what he had  Which is what I find myself doing today. Don't get me wrong it's very difficult at times. But things always have a way of working themselves out. Time does heal wounds.

In Which I Uncover Regret

Regret. Merriam-Webster defines regret as "to feel sorry or sad for something you did or did not do".

 Many people say they live their life with no regrets, but I tend to think that many people are fooling themselves. Everyone has to have at least one thing that they regret, even if they say they don't. I was one of those who claimed I had no regrets. But then my grandma's would-be 80th birthday rolled around. Without any other choice, I wrote her an open letter as a status on my Facebook.

Without getting into details, let me just restate that I believe everyone has at least one regret in their lives. Believing something someone said that affected how you viewed someone else. Not taking the time to do, or not do, something. Not "coming to your senses sooner" about something. Whatever the case may be, everyone has a regret. It's what you choose to do with it that makes the difference. You can bury it and forget about it, or use it. React to it. Choose to learn from it, and use the experience as a lesson. A hard lesson, perhaps. But feeling sorry for yourself because you messed up will certainly not change anything. It won't do any good either. Use the experience, use the lesson, to change your course, and avoid potential future situations which you would've otherwise continued down the same path.

This is a major duh moment. But too often people just feel sorry for themselves for the mistakes they've made and do nothing to change the way they react. And the world keeps turning, and nothing ever changes.

So as the saying goes, be the change you want to see. It sounds easy enough, yet many find it so hard to do. It takes integrity to pull it off. There's a reason and a purpose for everything. We can't see the big picture, only glimpses and corners. Frustrating? Most definitely. But we slowly get to see more of it as it comes into focus.

It's easy enough to say...why is it at times hard to do? I find myself a victim of this train of thought too. I know I want to do something, but the ghosts of those regrets come back with a vengeance. Say it to yourself. Be the change you want to see. If others can't or won't accept it, so be it.